I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
