Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
