And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
