She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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