I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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