I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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