I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
