well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
