Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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