fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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