I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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