I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
