I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
