My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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