I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
