Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
