How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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