Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
