My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
