and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
