Me too!
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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