After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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