I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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