my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
