Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
