Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
