This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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