um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
