New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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