I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
