Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
