im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
