The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
