I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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