We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
