Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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