I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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