um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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