So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
