It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
