he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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