last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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