He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
