We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
