I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
