I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
