dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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