if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
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