I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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