Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
