after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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