You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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